It is half past 1 and I am unusually awake. Maybe am used to
a good night message from that special some one. But as the days are passing
by, I am relatively getting used to lonely sleeps. To me its bad because I did not mean to
lose that person. If there is any one reason I have to point out for my miseries , it has to be
my EGO. There again it has let me down.
And what a day destiny chose. 2nd June 2012 , I have to remember this date.
Even if I don’t, I can’t! I can’t because it is not easy to lose your
girlfriend (I’ll refer her as SHE or HER) and your best friend on the same day.
Not that the reasons were different but that the day I chose was my birthday.
And the irony(or whatever the figure of speech it is) , it was my 22nd
birthday.
It did not start the very day. It started on 30th
May (of course 4days are longer than it should have been) with a simple
telephonic conversation going bizarre. Somewhere down, I was very excited about
the last engineering paper I gave but at the same time I was more than adamant
of executing the itinerary I had made in the never ending gaps between the
exam. SHE had a different look of it. She always had, and that was the thing
which used to make me look at her, think and smile. I never confessed but I
found myself unmatchable in front of her creativity. Creativity in every aspect
.God only knows for what reason I never expressed it. I regret that, very
deeply.
That particular phone call was unlike to all other calls we
had. We have never been so relaxed while speaking (something to do with this MU).
She claimed for a change in the plan. She has a knack of doing it, but some
effing reason, it did not go well with me. Moron
I am, I know. The next thing I did was blame it upon some other reason,
justifying that it was her mistake and banged the phone. I’ll think a million
time now before responding in unfavorable way to calls. There I was, doomed.
She tried to call me thrice. I did not pick up, I rather texted back rudely.
Then the frustration seeped in. By then it was quite clear in
my head that I reacted in a way I shouldn’t have and she should also respect my
privacy. Privacy because I knew I would be fine had I been given time. The
problem for her was she did not realise how important it was for me. I
particularly believe that people have a different way of accepting rejection.
Some need support, some need solitude. I belonged to the latter.
Till now the best friend is not being mentioned. Of course
she is my best friend but I don’t think she can handle crisis well. I’ll tell
her this if I am able to. I’ll tell her when I think I can overpower my ego.
Now I get a text from her which obviously did not lift my mood. Not
surprisingly she was supporting HER , but again there is a famous saying in
Hindi that dukhiyare ko kabhi aiyna nahi dikhate. I guess she didn’t
read it. And it fuelled me more into frustration.
It was already 24 hrs now. I wrote HER a message in her FB
message box. God knows that I was totally honest about what I wrote. Thoroughly
emotional in bits and pieces, but straight from the heart. I did not expect her
to be chilled out of what I wrote. But I thought of breaking the deadlock even
if its by a small fight. I never got a reply in the inbox.
By late evening, the best friend text me to come downstairs.
She was waiting outside my building. If you look practically, it is quite sweet
for a friend to travel half an hour by train and be with the friend in need.
But it was a time I wanted HER to fight back, abuse me or anything. Silence
killed me. I lied that am out of station. I did not want to face my friend because
the last time I had a fight with HER , she messed it up more trying to mend it.
In a relationship, you don’t need a tailor to mend things. All you need is the
two person in relationship. I did not want to hurt her, so I never said that. I don't want her to feel that she might be the reason. She was not. I and solely my EGO were the reasons.
I waited all night for a message from sunSHY. Message that reflected
anger, frustration or anything of that sort. Nothing came back. It was 1st
June, a day before my birthday. I thought that I need to provoke her so that
she fights out this time around. I gave her a breakup message and yet there
weren’t any reply. Now this was when I cried. Yes I do cry, and I desperately
needed her. Never in my 2 years, have I been so lonely. I consoled myself that
everything is going to fine and she will be the 1st person to wish
me. Clock stuck 12, people called. I did not pick up. I wanted her to be the 1st
one. I promised her last year, she must have forgotten. Its okay. I made her sad and didn't give her a reason to remember.But i wish she remembered. She called at quarter past 12 . I was happy, very happy. I so hoped that she would say more. I was hearing her after 4 long days. All she could say was
“Happy Birthday. Wish you have a good year ahead. GOOD NIGHT”.
She kept the phone. My heart went cold. Phone rang around
10-12 times. People wished but somewhere I guess it was a beginning of the end.
Oh how did I miss out. 10 minutes to 12 I got a message from this Best Friend
that “how can I think only about myself in life”. Yes from what I have written
about myself, I know I sound selfish but come on , not 10 minutes before I am
being wished. I did not pick her call, she wished me via SMS. Though I replied
everyone till 4a.m,I replied her in the morning. I wasn't really sure this time that the message was to mend things. By now enough had been discussed and decided i guess.
This was the most silent birthday I ever had. I went to GYM
on my birthday! I somehow expected people to come. Somewhere down there I
thought, she was behaving like me and maybe coming up with a big surprise. I couldn’t
have had anything bigger than her sheer presence. I cleaned the room. I cleaned
my room because she likes my room more. But when people arrived, I scanned
through them. She wasn’t there. I thought it cannot happen. I saw the people
waiting for another friend, I thought maybe she is with him. Maybe they are all
doing it for purpose. Maybe they are all pulling my leg. But she did not
arrive.
Now I called her. I asked her to come as fast as possible. I
would have delayed the cake cutting part for 4 hours for her. She agreed to come but
she was very cold. I don't blame her.I called her a several times till we ordered food, she did
not pick up. She did pick after she reached the hotel, I went to get her in. I
wanted to speak with her before we went into the crowd. She cried. I couldn’t hug
her and console her. I took her in expecting things to get sorted out by itself. Honestly, nothing happens by itself. There were enough people who already knew
me. I wasn’t embarrassed at all, I was sorry that I made her cry. People had
food, juniors left early because they had a paper the day next. Other of us
were standing outside hotel and discussing things; after all these first few days
after engineering end. She went a little aloof . I realized it was the right
time to sort out things. I initiated the talk, she overflowed her aggression.
It was an unusual her. There was lot of aggression when she spoke. She always
had that spark but I realised that there have been too much of poison this time
around. My Best friend thought of running after her to be with her. It made me look like some villain out there.People gave me glances and i thought i have been tested enough.Enough texts were anyway exchanged in the lunch table. I wonder why I did
not pay heed to them. All I know is the girl I liked was different that day. She
called me Egoist, a liar which at some time I was but not for her. Now that I know
that she deserves someone far better than me, I’l honestly accept all the
charges. In any case, she’ll stay in my heart forever.
